Donuts of Guilt

Having your heart stepped on with a side of guilt

I think based on my last writing I defined why and how I’ve had sort of a shaky relationship with my mother. I don’t think my being Trans has anything to do with her. I think it has and was something inside me long before the shit hit the fan. I think though it did project my trajectory in woman. The woman I’m married to now is incredible. I love her to death. It’s not all sun flowers and rainbows but I do love her immensely. I think that’s why I’m holding off on HRT till she’s ready. I don’t want to lose her and need to do what I think will give me the best chances of staying with her post transition. She’s by far the most stable and best thing to happen romantically.

I need to turn back the clock a few years. Lets start with the year I decided it was time to start dating, 1992. I remember the music, the smells, and the world at that time. The Iron curtain had fallen and it seemed like the world was on fire and anything was possible. So possible that even I could get a date. It was my junior year in high school and I remember having become enamored with SL. SL was one of the smartest gals in the school. I remember she had this cool subversion to her that I think attracted me. She was geeky like me but into theater and artsy stuff. Eventually I decided I needed to make a move.

Previously I had tried to get her to join our gaming group. That failed miserably having started a gaming club at my high school. Realizing I had to put my big boy pants on I asked her out. I remember our first date was spring break and our relationship went on through spring. It was fun while it lasted. I think I realized something was up when I asked to kiss her at prom and she said no. Yeah a big “no” during prom might be an indication things aren’t going as planned. That hurt but it wasn’t real hurt since there wasn’t a strong connection.

During that summer I got a job at Food Lion. I would flirt with some of the girls in the store (patrons) and got absolutely nowhere. I worked weekends till Halloween and quit. Using some of the money I had saved I went to a convention. It was a con called Wintercon in Dallas and was gaming related. At that time I had no compunction that I was even remotely cool. I was who I was and really didn’t worry what people thought. I do that a lot now and tend to just say, “Fuck it”, and jump in with both feet. I worry about things like awkwardness later.

I had some friends who were GM’s and we’d play in their game. One friend was ten or so years my senior. (Years later he would come out as gay. Maybe that was our connection back then, on a subconscious level?) He loved running Torg. It was a weird game but fun if not crazy complex. There were some regulars there who played in my Shadowrun games from time to time. One we’ll call K who brought a “friend”. So I was going in full engines on goofy with a side of insane playing a crazed scientist. I actually had a lot of fun but pissed off surrounding tables with my nefarious laughter. That’s when I met “BH”. She was this older gal with beautiful red hair and a curious smile. I was my self being goofy no holds barred. We hung out but I didn’t think much of it till she asked me for my number. I was like, “hmmm ok no one’s asked me for my number before”. We spoke every day the next week. I still was completely clueless about any interest. My thought was, “Seriously she just needs a friend. She just broke up with her boyfriend and she’s nine years older than me. There’s zero chance she’s interested.”

Soooooo next weekend was Thanksgiving and a convention called the Dallas Fantasy Fair. I think my folks dropped me off Friday and picked me up Sunday. I had a place to crash in the GM room. That’s when we started hanging out and she told me she was interested in me. I was WAYYYY interested in her but didn’t think it was possible. For years I had tried to get a girlfriend at Nolan but never was able to. I hadn’t played the field so much. In high school girls weren’t interested in me at all. (Case in point: “The two Julies”. Ironically Julie 2 did a “reverse crossdressing” thing with a guy for the Sadie Hawkins dance, which might have been why I was interested.)

My luck with girls was at the very least dismal to none. Like zero, zilch, bupkiss. I tried, I failed, and I was “ok” with that. Now I’m suddenly in the prospect to date a girl, no wait, A “Woman” nine years my senior. The difference in age freaked me out to think of. Nine years is a big deal when your 18.

So she and I admitted we were interested in each other. That weekend I had my first awkward sloppy kiss. Actually a kiss turned into kisses. I must have done something right because she was super “excited” but we didn’t do anything. It was an incredible weekend. I remember thinking, “Oh shit I have a girlfriend”.

She came out from Dallas the next weekend and we hooked up after I took the SAT for the second time. Needless to say I didn’t do so well on my second try. That weekend I lost my virginity. I remember the act was unimpressive but after I felt euphoric. (Luckily I was able to get into my dad’s photography studio and had a bed on the second floor of the loft. I remember the act of love making to be more fun than the actual sex. The relationship took off from there. I never had known real love before. I had never had a girl completely enamored with me and I enjoyed it. As time went on ghosts from her past slowly drifted from her past. A very very dark painful past.

She had lost her father at a young age. I don’t remember exactly but I think before she was eleven. I think that really destroyed her a bit. That loss I think lead too many bad decisions love wise. She was or is extremely intelligent. I think she may have been close or on the genius IQ level. I remember once she told me these weird stories about how she use to have “abilities” and was tested as psychic. I don’t know but I remember she asked me about this dream she had. She pretty much described me in class one day. Maybe coincidence I don’t know.

She and her father were close. I think she made foolish decision at 16 to get married to replace him. She married some horrible man in Austin. She never said he was “abusive” but I think that was probably part of the relationship. One weekend he “sold” her to two guys who raped her over the course of a weekend repeatedly. That was the apex of her bad partners. She left him and he threatened to kill her. She hid with friends and hung around Austin. The weird thing was all this took place when I was seven. That thought freaked me out at the time.

She dated a string of boyfriends over the years. There was a weird pattern I noticed. She would date guys, they would shack up and live together, and she would break up with them after an abortion. She had a bunch. I don’t remember the exact number but I think it was around nine. One boyfriend she had basically just sponged off her while she worked. He dropped out of school, stayed at home and refused to get a job. Ironically his mother made his lunch everyday till he was twenty one or so. The boyfriend before me was the creepiest.

So her previous douche bag boyfriend and he followed the same cycle. This time with an added injury. He moved out taking all her stuff and furniture. He left her with a bed (we made plenty of use of) and a few odds and ends. That was it. So she went to his apartment asking “WTF” and to get stuff back. He came out with a bat hitting her multiple places. Never saying a word he assaulted her. I can’t imagine what that was like. Needless to say after that broke up I was the “Next best thing” in her life. Turns out he was also in a weird demon worship cult thingy. The guy who started it ended getting his ass kicked at a Project AKON by a friend I would meet twelve years later.

Dating her was incredible. Words can’t describe my euphoria. I loved her in ways I never knew possible. I told her everything even admitting some of my inner most feelings of dressing. I connected to her in ways I had never or wouldn’t connect save for my wife. Its funny being with M is a lot like being with her in many ways.

We dated for a few months but things started getting strained around April. Turns out she had been talking to a couple who introduced us and felt I was going to drop out of school ect. I had no qualms of ever doing that. I even chose UTA so I could be close to her (30 minutes). I remember my world collapsing when she said she wanted to see other people. I didn’t really know what to do so I teared up. I don’t think she was expecting that.

So as time moved on she started dating a guy she would marry. He was actually a nice guy. He was a killer Paranoia GM. They were also “consummating” their relationship as we were dating. Our last date would be my prom. I would be the person there with the oldest date! It was my ultimate “Fuck You” to my senior class. My way of saying, “Yeah you really don’t know me”. It was an incredible night. I figured I had two options. I could be sad, and mourn her loss or have the best night of my life. I chose the best night option. I danced like I never danced, and loved like I had never loved the evening. That night we made love one last time on my friend’s parent’s bed. (That grossed them out!) When it was over I remember feeling numb as I dropped her off one last time.

We didn’t speak after that but I wrote her letters every couple of days because I had never been hurt like that. I put wild flowers in them I picked up around the neighborhood. I doubt she read a single one.

Time passed and the summer began a couple weeks post break up. During the summer I went to Origins Game Convention where I knew she’d be. It was an awesome convention. I remember I had a Shadowrun game to run at the convention center. It was hot and July, and the sun baked the large concrete walkway. I ran into her and she said something, “I did what I said I wouldn’t do. I got an abortion”. My heart fell through my chest like a rock through a paper bag.

She said she got pregnant and her then future husband asked her to abort it. She did. Later that night I went to the main hotel the guests were at and joined a Vampire game. It was there I ran into her again and she was drunk. She was drunk and wanted me, wanted me badly. I don’t know why but I didn’t do anything with her. I think I felt that we weren’t meant to be so having sex was a bad idea. The next day she thanked me for not sleeping with her. She invited me over again sometime in August and I slept there that night. I had an opportunity to do it again and I told her no. That time I know it was because just being next to her was heaven. If I slept with her I was afraid I was going to screw it up. So I didn’t but made sure she had the big “Oh”. I don’t regret that but I think when she was “extolling” my virtues she realized that she still wanted to be with me. I was young and a gamble. Her future husband had a job, a degree and a was twenty or so years my senior.

There is other weird thing about all her exes. She had these lesbian friends she lived with after leaving her first husband. All her ex-boyfriends would sleep with them. It was tradition. I was given an opportunity in college but I was so hurt I told her no. I didn’t want to be like the other boy friends. She was the most incredible thing in my life at that point. I think though she may have been a chapter in my life I was probably only a foot note in hers. Eventually a year later she did have a baby girl with her husband. I couldn’t handle seeing the baby when she brought her to Animefest.

Eventually though later that summer the pain just stopped. It took me a year to get over here but it was like the faucet of hurt just ran out of pain. Shortly after I met another girl who would have damaging consequences for my life but more about her another time.

I remember a year or so after that I was selling computers and going to college and she called me. She invited me to a Cyberpunk LARP game she was going to. I wanted to go more than anything. I also knew that my perspective was fucked. Seriously fucked so I asked a friend for advice. He responded, “Dude she’s your kryptonite and radioactive. I wouldn’t go”. So I didn’t go. I don’t know if she wanted to hook up or reconnect. I think though I was fearful of getting hurt again. She had just divorced her husband after he had hit her a few times. That broke my heart because I really liked the guy. I think in retrospect I couldn’t have looked into her daughter’s eyes and not wept. I don’t think I could have helped raise her baby girl. I was always the safe guy. I like to think though that I was the guy who loved her the most of any of her boyfriends. I know this because I wanted to propose to her at some point. I wanted to marry my first girlfriend. I could have told her anything and she would not have flinched. I’m thinking of coming out to her as trans but not sure. She gave me so much and took equally but I would do it all over again. You can’t know how precious something is till you lose it.

A week later after my senior prom one kid who was kind of an asshole (who’s now the director of IT at “On the Border”) asked me how old my date was. I think he thought that she was a cousin or something. Something creepy which I kind of liked. The truth was mine and mine alone. I didn’t care what my class thought. School was nearly over and our lives were moving on. The truth was that my senior year was the most amazing. If you want to know what I felt, listen to “Love on a real train” by Tangerine Dream. That song encompasses all the amazing feelings my eighteen year-old brain took in.

This weekend I’m going to a conference that’s just down the street from where she lived twenty five years ago. Irony thy name is pork.