PHASES OF TRANSITION (AS I’VE EXPERIENCED IT SO FAR)
I run a support group in my home town. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. I’ve lived my true self at home full time for over a year but have only been out at work three weeks so far. It’s been a positive experience for the most part. Not euphoric but positive. Awkward but I get to be me which is a little awkward, imperfect, fraught with imperfections. I sometimes feel a surreal feeling of, “Is this real am I really doing this?”
I keep thinking back to my journey. It’s been a long trip. I knew I was different when I was in Kindergarten. I wanted to be Princess from Battle of the Planets. One of the first Japanese animations, sanitized for American consumption.
I remember being disappointed I couldn’t be her at recess, as I found her divine. This lead to quiet whispers in my head, through elementary, middle school and high school. I just thought I was a freak. I was some sort of weird fetish because any boy wanting to be a girl couldn’t be normal. All the while I wanted to run through the halls of Nolan High school screaming. My Senior year the movie, “The Crying Game” was out and I knew it was about me. That was who I wanted to be, too afraid to say anything, to afraid to shout.
It wasn’t that I didn’t try. I would dress, feel ashamed and purge. The closest I came was in 1996 in college working full time and going to school part time. I started buying clothing to wear under my work clothes. In a weird way I felt normal. I thought of going full time and going all out at 22. I was scared that as a woman that I would be a farce. Then in 2007 I tried to be the woman again and my wife found out and divorced me. 2017 I decided I had to really accept who I was or this was going to keep haunting me for the rest of my life. So here I am three years later. I’m on hormones, I run a support group, I help another trans oriented organization, and I’m full time. I think to be truthful happiness does communicate how I feel or do my being justice. That’s not the right emotion. I feel calm and content with feelings of “OMG I’m actually doing this”, then comes the joy to feels of sadness and loss.
Passing into fulltime womanhood I realize I’m moving on to the next stage of my transition. I realize I have not reached the end. Far from it. I have not reached the beginning either. I have reached my own end of my beginning. I now start my path to womanhood unencumbered. In that moving I think about my own stages trans-development. This is all arguably anecdotal but no less true for my journey. Each stage I think for me was an important developmental step. I have organized this article to describe and codify these states so that someone questioning might have a framework for understanding what is going on inside them. This is my experience and my experience only. Each transition is their own so order and naming may change. Think of this as the emotional stages of grief or transition. They all are different for each person and progress differently. So reader beware if your experience differs.
I. Questioning
II. Wanting
III. Awakening
IV. Discovery
V. Transition’s Beginning
I. Questioning Phase
Arguably the first phase we all go through is that question? “Who am I and why do I feel wrong in my own body?” I think this phase continues to some degree. We always question. It’s only when we move along our journey do those questions really get answered. It’s not a cognitive answer. It’s an emotional or emotive answer. One that tells us, “Yes this is who I am and yes this is who I am supposed to be”. I think it’s something like being a cat. If you’re born a kitten do you know you’re a kitten? Does someone tell you you’re a kitten? No you just know. The same follows gender. We just know. A child is born with innate desires and feelings. However parents may not understand them, or project their own desires and societal gender expectations. A child may play in a manner to fit in.
I think that fear to not fit in colors our own self esteem. I know I often thought about drag but thought I could never do it. I told myself lies to hide the pain inadvertently causing more. I’ve been questioning my whole but the lies I told myself kept my dysphoria at bay:
“No that’s crazy, you can’t do that your friends will hate you”,
“No there’s something wrong with you”,
“No your damaged, you’re a freak how could you think that”,
“No you’ll make an ugly woman”,
“No your just gay, that’s silly”,
“No you’re too fat to transition”.
With lots of therapy now I realize a lot of those fears where my own insecurities and some of the words of my mother. All those questions that pop up from time to time start to build. If you don’t start to deal with them you accumulate a sort of psychic baggage that piles up. Each thought or doubt creating a psychic Starbucks cup thrown on the heap of memories and sorrow slowly building day after day year after year.
II. Wanting Phase
The next phase after questioning is wanting. After you start to materialize who you are you want. I remember that’s when dysphoria first started to codify in me. Sarah McBride described it most succinctly as “Feeling homesick for a body you don’t have” (paraphrased a bit from a TED talk). That wanting really is the beginning of the journey. That’s when the action started for me. Before when I was questioning I could sweep pangs and hurt under the psychic rug and away easily. After thinking I am this I could really do this the wanting starts.
Wanting could be described as “Wanting to be the girl I was not”. Wanting to live the life I could not live. Wanting to be pretty. Wanting to be me. The wanting phase I would really start to look out and see no so much me but what I wasn’t.
I think for me I would just watch women. I think questioning and watching go hand and hand. Watching girls not because you wanted to date them but you wanted to be like them. I remember studying the mannerisms of girls when I was in fifth grade. (Little girls in puberty were not always “kind” to me. I didn’t want to be the mean girl. Not a trait I wanted to emulate.) The way they moved their hair, talked to each other, kept eye contact were all things I watched. I remember I focused on hand movements no idea why. (I remember noticing if did anything limp wristed my peers my disown me.)
The wanting phase picked up monumental pace for me. No longer was I tossing single Starbucks cups. Now I was tossing couches into the psychic landfill. That psychic refuse starts to build till you eventually have your “Awakening”. For me it was a Friday night, a bottle of Fireball (2/3) depleted, and lots of tears after dressing up after a partner and kids were out of town.
III. Awakening/Action Phase: (Trial, Failure, hiding, and restart)
I think the key thing for this phase is making the actual step. Doing something . Realizing who you are and doing something about it. For me that was going back to the gym and eating healthy. I never ate horribly but I focused on a healthier lifestyle. I started out initially in 2012 at 350 pounds. So cutting back on carbs and butter definitely helped. Coming out was always hard. I think as a Catholic there’s so much guilt with being who I am I just shunned my true self.
I’ve always been bisexual which makes it even harder to come out if you don’t know your gay, straight or what. Eventually I just said, “It’s okay to be attracted to men, women or whoever. It’s ok to transition to being a woman”. Eventually I got the strength up to tell my partner and get a therapist.
The funny thing was a Trans woman I’ve known since 1998 I reached out to first wouldn’t return my calls. That hurt, but in the end I just let it go. I realized later how hard this is and she has her own reasons. I ran into her at a friends party and never got a good answer but she had her reasons and my guess they come from personal pain. I was disappointed but moved on. In a sense though that was probably one of the best things that could have happened.
I did a bunch of research and found a great support group. I’ve met so many wonderful people as a result. So how can I be angry? I made the best of the situation and it turned out for the best. I think that’s why I run a support group now. That experience hurt so I try to support others in the community to the best of my ability. (Some people I can’t help and I’ve accepted that and it’s hard but part of my growth.)
I remember my first time out in Texas dressed. I joined a crossdressers group to go out as a group because this was Texas. (Safety in numbers!) My first night out I realized how normal I felt. I felt perfectly at home. I felt a sense of calm I hadn’t felt in a long time. A contentment that I felt in 1989 at camp.
I met a girl there (purely platonic) who was a skater. Cool gal who would dress like the boys. For some reason that clicked with me. At the time I didn’t understand but being her friend I had never felt so alive in my life. I felt that way that night. I wasn’t horny or anything just happy. That night I knew that I was trans. I wouldn’t reveal that to my partner for a while only revealing things to her slowly. I always suspected I was trans. That night it confirmed it. I felt like I found home that night, I felt I had found myself.
IV. Discovery Phase: I am / I am not (Exploring My Transgender Identity)
Back pre HRT the worst part of my night was taking off my makeup. I would cry some nights knowing the next day I had to be my male self. Tuesday night support meeting I’d be Vicki Wednesday night Brian at the Dallas Hackers meeting. It was very disorienting.
Over time I got use to it. I felt though like a woman without a home. I sought more. I sought my own space to connect with others and geek out. That’s when I had a crazy idea about starting a gaming group. To my amazement it worked. Over time it came together. I’ve made some very deep friendships!
Without being on HRT I did try to have a partial Trans experience. I formed some crushes on Trans gals. I of hurt myself with those adolescent blunders. I hadn’t had a crush in decades. I think it taught me to be more careful with my heart. They are both great women I was just being stupid. I’m still friends with them and they have great partners. Actually they both have exceptional partners so I feel good about that. At the time it hurt but in retrospect their happy and that’s all that matters ultimately.
Ironically they did help though. During those days the dysphoria was horrible. Sometimes I would go out to my car from work curl up in a ball and cry for an hour and go back to work. My partner never saw that pain. I was too afraid to show it. Sometimes being with them was the gender affirming attention I needed to get through the hard times and the hard thoughts.
I think without being on hormones I was only able to discover what it meant to be Trans partially. I always felt loved by my friends if not a little out of place for not being the full me yet. I was scared to start HRT. My partner wanted another baby and I was terrified. We had a child four years previous who was an at risk baby. Now she wanted another and there was a higher risk the child might be disabled. There’s nothing wrong with that but a friend had a child who’s profoundly disabled and she was close to my partner’s age. I was hoping if she wanted another child we could have started two years earlier. Now starting HRT felt light a struggle. Eventually I tried once with a full super load, once on HRT and we didn’t do a third. I didn’t want another kid but was willing to compromise to try fertility once or twice and be done with it. So I decided to not decide. I put off HRT for a bit convinced my partner was trying to trap me. (We didn’t have good communication.)
I first got that magical blue pill filled as part of my transition six months before I actually started taking the pill. I put the prescription in the cabinet and let it sit. A symbol of where I was going and what my intention was. It caused a stir with my partner but I was convinced at the time she was going to leave me anyways so I was ready to move on regardless. (That didn’t happen, bad communication again.)
V. Taking Medical Steps: I took the Blue Pill (Medical Transition)
I remember the day and the time and the place I took that magic blue pill. I was soooo excited that I waited. I decided to start me new life on the crest of my old. I started my new life on my birthday. I took that blue pill at a IHOP on morning in Redmond, WA before going to a training. That was the beginning! I was terrified and excited. I didn’t know if and how my life would change. All I knew was if I didn’t take that step the depression was going to kill me slowly.
My partner didn’t want me to start. I didn’t want another child she did and there was no compromise. (How could there be.) She’s older so fertility treatment was needed. So I donated two samples and declined on the third. The pain I felt leading up to this point was horrible. She didn’t understand or ask. She never really wanted to understand. Luckily there was a trans woman who acted as a friend and surrogate showing me what life might be life might be like if I got divorced. I had a crush on her but it never went anywhere. I knew it wasn’t going to and I bowed out so as not to hurt myself worse. She’s a wonderful person. I loved how many trans women she helped in the community. I was always in awe of her compassion.
As I started to change something strange happened. I met a sister. There was this goth club I went to occasionally and July 4th weekend a group of us went from my LGBTQ+ advocacy group at work. A friend of mine was talking to this gal who I thought might be trans. I was curious. So I approached her and told her about a support organization I was in thinking I had a 50/50 shot at her being trans and if I was wrong who cares. Turns out she was trans and what I didn’t figure was I hurt her a little mistakenly. I didn’t realize that by clocking her through a friend who was a trans-chaser that I might hurt her. If not for the friend I would have never guessed.
In retrospect I met an incredible woman. We went out with some friends and over a period of time I got closer and closer to her. She’s been on HRT for nine years to my barely one year at that point. She answered many questions and gave me needed advice. The most import thing was we clicked like sisters. I honestly enjoyed hanging out with her. I connected to her in a way I never connected to a trans woman. It was a completely platonic connection and one that was more fulfilling that I could have imagined. Before long we were going out to goth clubs together raising hell and taking names. My time with her encouraged me to start writing again so here I am. She was the person I needed to meet at the time I needed to meet her. A friend and guide. Some things by virtue of my age and being twenty years older I guided her other trans things she guided me. It’s weird it’s like I’ve know her a thousand years and we have just be reunited.
For me getting past my own low self esteem has been hard. I was never able to look at myself in the mirror and wince. Now though I don’t feel that way. My changes I enjoy. I don’t feel fully right in my body of course. There’s this or that I don’t like or something I would like to tweak. I would like to get feminine facialization surgery and am working toward it. Without surgery though for the first time in my life I love me. I love the changes and I love the person staring back in the mirror! I’m moving on to my nineteenth month living full time. The thing that strikes me is that I am crossing a threshold discovering what it means to be a trans woman. I have so far yet to go but I see that I’ve left the forest of pain and I’m climbing the rocky mountains of femininity. Mountains because the journey is hard but the vistas and views are beautiful. My wings are forming as I learn to fly.
I’m becoming me….There’s no turning back. That’s the best part I’ve arrived and my journey spans before me.
Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a wind swept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction is holding me fast
How can I escape this irresistible grasp?Can’t keep my eyes from the circling sky
-Learning to fly by Pink Floyd copyright 1987
