Reinventing Yourself , Healing, and Screaming into the Void for Beginners
It’s been a few minutes.
Where have I been. That’s a good question. Where the hell have I been. I don’t know per say. Well I do know. It’s a long story. Nothing bad. No animals were harmed in the telling of this story. No heavy drinking, no drugs, or lost jobs. Lots of not doing.
What I didn’t do was all those things that brought me joy in my life. I shut down a bit. I did watch a shit ton of movies. Wonderful movies, but a bunch of movies. I read a bit. I got a certification. It’s those things I loved that I stopped doing because what I had done for so long was no longer a part of my life and I was a bit lost, scared, and confused. It started around June or so. I was involved in a accusation that wasn’t fully true and wasn’t at all false. I’ve written about it before. I was accused of something that was so heinous I really didn’t know how to deal with it or what to do with it. The group I was with, which I will not mention later I found out voted me off the board. I’m ok with that now. It hurts and I think the manner in which it was done was a little underhanded. Some of those who voted me off were people I called friends. I think that’s what hurt the most.
I’m the kind of person who tries to fix things. Everything. When I was accused I wasn’t sure what to do to be honest. It was such a surprise that a consensual event was being considered non consensual and assault I slipped into a depression. Doubly so when I found I was voted off the board. I offered to resign when the allegations occurred but was asked to stay on. During the accusation process it was dropped in my lap on a Thursday. (There’s other history external to me that I will take to my grave.)
When confronted it was sprung on me after the board meeting. There was to be no discussion about the issue till the following week. For four days I went mad with guilt, confusion, and shame. Some of the emails from friends on the board were not what I would consider “positive” or “supportive”. To be honest more accusations arose. One that still hurts was when I had my mom on a meeting to show how family’s acceptance can change. I was accused of some negative “feedback” and some other initiatives that I started. I think in my fear, anxiety, and depression I was in I needed someone to tell me I had done a good job. The board didn’t like that. What baffled the shit out of me was the board was made up of two licensed therapists but with no empathy or thought to how I might react as an empathic personality. It felt like, “Not my problem you deal with it.” At the time I was also processing the “external history stuff” as well. So at least one board member should have had the empathy. So I emailed the folks I supported and asked if I had and to voice concerns, kudos and complaints to them.
They say that’s why they voted me off. At this point it doesn’t matter. I’ve moved beyond that. Lots of therapy and working on myself learning how to forgive myself for what happened in Austin that weekend. I’ll be the first to admit it was a bad call on my part but that the intricacies of what happened are more complex. I just hope the person heals. I’ve been asked not to reach out to the person and I’ve abided with that request. This experience rocked me to my ethical and moral foundations about who I was. Was I good person or innately bad. Who was I really and was a bad person. I had alot going on and thank God for my therapist.
Part of what I explored with her is how I try to save people. My mom has and is bipolar. During the 90’s and early 2000’s she tried to commit suicide by medication more times that I can remember. Combine that with my wanting to come out since elementary school, gender and sexual confusion and you get a lot of float sum going on.
When this person’s partner passed by self harm I crumbled. I didn’t see the strings that were pulling me in the direction I shouldn’t go. I can’t change the past but only move forward at this point. I learned from my mistakes and I accepted my mistake. I can’t change the past.
I can say though that the structures that I built in the organization that I was apart of kept it afloat during and after COVID. Even today those meetings are still running. The meetings I organized and help start and build. So I’m proud of what I built and glad it’s helping the community. That’s why I’ll not mention any details. I don’t want their work to be affected. I’ll never go back to the organization. They burnt that bridge but I do wish they go on to flourish.
I did block some of the board though. I guess after the incident I need my own personal space. After what happened I felt very judged and exposed. I can say since the event and other events the board had halved in size and sadly not recovered. I wish them the best and hope they recover and grow and learn from their mistakes. (I’m not sure they see that they made any.)
So I’ve hid. I decided to move and migrate to a new platform on the social media space. I decided to start navigating Twitter. Twitter has been an odd space and I’ve always been curious about it’s pull. Why 256 characters or so and why so many people like it. I honestly still can’t answer that question. As an interface it’s horrible. Getting on it pre and post Captain spacey pants has been fun. It’s a total shit show. It’s ugly but I have found some really cool people and some really equally horrible people. The best part is “I get to get my post support group anger out”. I had a lot of angst leaving my group. So I was like I’ll start fucking with the Texas GOP. They blocked me. Then another state rep called me a groomer! (I’m feeling the love!) I needed the attacks so I could fight. I needed to fight because I think I was fighting for me and trying to show I wasn’t a bad person. Sailing the seas of Twitter I really noticed how crazy they were. I mean WACKAMOLE crazy with trans-islands of wonder and beauty. Here’s a couple of fun tweets:
It gets better! Literally going on Twitter is like hanging out in Harvard Square, any State Capital, the Santa Monica Peir, and the San Fran’s Mission district all in one. I’ve met more wacko’s on it than there are flavors of jelly beans. Folks who seriously want to succeed. (Because it worked so well before!) A kaleidoscope of crazy, hate, bizarre and dysfunctional. At first I just created memes to blast people because I was angry at what they were doing. The 45 isn’t mine though but I love it. Especially more since Trump is trying to out anti-trans Desantis.
Then when you start to dig you see weirder stuff like Gays against Groomers posing with neo-nazi’s. Libs of Tiktok creator Chaya Raichik posing with Sara Gonzales. Then there’s pictures of Sara Gonzales yelling at folks in front of a Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) event at a bookstore in Denton. They where they were reading LGBTQ+ books to kids. It’s great she totally makes her self out to be a “concerned parent going after the libs”. But when you see how deep the valley goes you see she’s super homophobic and hateful. Not to mention outright mean. Hell she’s still going after Nancy Pelosi’s husband. It’s the giant weird hate party and everyone is invited and I get to scream “BULLSHIT” and backup my words with facts and studies. Not to mention they all HATE drag. It’s like this weird psycho-drama playing out and everyone hates the gay and trans. If you defend or contridict someone they respond, “Why are you so concerned, I smell groomer”, or “Why do you think kids should be there do you think they should be around pedo’s”. Crazy weird shit.
What the hell does Groomer even mean? Really. Are kids poodles. “That’s a good girl Henrietta lets poof your hair, that will make you a nice future lesbian. Here’s your pride sticker and book on LGBTQ+ history read it so we can make you GAY!!!!!”. I don’t think they have a clue!
It’s like they’re afraid we have drag disco and wig stores/barbers next door. It’s literally like this drama plays out in Texas GOP Conservatives minds:
“Ok kid you’ve been to the drag show here’s your wig. Lets get you on hormone blockers and to the surgeon”
“Hey Susie lets chop off your hair we need to make you butch so we can find you a cute elementary girlfriend.”
Then you have the founder of GAYS AGAINST GROOMERS. They scream
“You can’t call us Groomers don’t even dare we’re anti-groomer”. I read their posts and it’s soooooo confusing. Then they have an alternative organization TRANS AGAINST GROOMERS. Essentially conservative trans folks who hate themselves or hate something about themselves for feel shunned by the community. Gays against Groomers tries to post itself as a normal “LGB” organization that’s against the “Trans agenda”. The founder Jaimee Michell is SUPER conservative.
Here’s some posts from the founder who considers herself as a iconoclast shunned lesbian for being conservative. She even goes by “@TheGaywhoStrayed” on Twitter. This is absolutely wacko. Be who you are but she’s taking her identity as a conservative lesbian and making it into a badge of honor, or martyrdom. You decide.
I love this stuff. It’s so interesting sociologically. I love seeing weird people posting and being themselves. Lesbians who hate the trans and are conservative. Jewish women who are conservative and hate the trans. Catholic Spanish women who hate the trans. I find it interesting. I think their all in real-estate but don’t quote me on that. :>)
It’s this weird incestuous relationship of hate that blows my mind. It’s only equaled in weirdness by the straight folks with an innate simplistic misunderstanding they have about the people they hate and the subjects they know nothing about. It’s a new level of innocent stupidity that they say things that they know nothing about. Yet they speak as if they are experts on the subject.
So this has kept me busy. Especially since most State Reps don’t like to argue the finer points of an argument but just post snippets of this or that. But sometimes you get nuggets of joy.
I’m still fighting the good fight on Twitter. I’ve not abandoned the platform. I enjoy the stimulation of calling bullshit and proving my point step by step. Strangely on the platform only about 1 int 10 people will actually debate me. I respect those folks. My favorite meme though I created is this. Someone reported it as “objectionable”. So I took a screenshot and reposted it as seen below.
I think three events really helped with my healing besides the therapy and Shenanigans. Therapy has been huge but sometimes life helps too.
The first was Reaper con. I went to it for a full Saturday for the first time. I actually had a really really good time. I got to play a bunch of new games. Meet a bunch of people. See old friends I’ve not seen in years. It was a nice time reminiscing in the Denton Convention center. I has spoken there once for Peterbilt and it was cool being back there again. Going for lunch and getting a wonderful Pozole and just being free. I took a painting class which I loved and play tested a new game “Zeta Complex” by New Comet Games. It had just been successfully kickstarted and we were the first play testers that weekend. I had a BLAST. So much so that after the second convention I went to ,“Lone Star Game Expo”, I approached the owner about helping out on it’s release.
I’ve had a lot of fun being creative again in ways I’ve not done in a long time. Creating weird NPC’s, worlds and helping build out Zeta Complex for the kickstart. I’m working on a source book now for the game. I’m even mentioned in the credits as the “Chaos Consultant”. I tried to bring some background and world building to Zeta Complex in a fun and interesting manner making it different from an yet unmentioned system. I’ve written stuff come up with some races and generally just had a blast with it. I really don’t want to get paid for the work I’ve done. I just asked for some swag and a copy of the book. I have a day job this has been fun. I have a hard time asking for money to do things I enjoy. (I think that’s why I don’t get paid to paint minis.)
Working with the owner has been fun and enjoyable. Bouncing off ideas back and fourth. We’re working on a convention adventure right now with the race I create for North Texas RPG. Trying to be humble because damn it’s just fun. In a long while I was enjoying myself. After my fall out I forgot out to do that and pulled inward. This really pulled me out of my mental head space.
The second area has been working periodically with the Sisters of Pertual Indulgence. I love hanging with them. They’re the funniest gay guys I’ve met. Most of the gay men I know are a little bitchy save some of my old friends from high school or college. They’re very outgoing, exuberant and funny. A few weeks back I hung out at the Hidden Door. I had bad memories from an event that happened before. Those memories are gone now. The night was a blast.
The third event I want to keep private. It’s two parts. One was a speaking engagement at a Security conference I had a blast at. I had more fun at that one day con than I had at any anime convention in years. It was the people I met mostly and speaking.
The second is part of my old life. It’s something I’m enjoying and just running with. Just a smidge of my old life but not too much. It was the final pin to allow me to help people and not feel like a horrible person. I think after what happened with my old group I felt like a horrible person from how I was treated. I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel better. I’m starting to feel like my old self. Starting to paint miniatures again, starting to become me again. Starting to live again.
I’m finally able to get on Facebook and not feel judged, anxious, or weird. I’m finally feeling normal…Well for me that’s kind of a odd state. But normal in a general sense. Doing stuff with my little spud and partner, and just being me.
Hugs,
Vicky
