Who is Vicky
Who is Vicky, Victoria, or She; to my wonderful Starbucks Barista’s
If your reading this then you may have wandered to this little island on the net, atoll in the seas of data. You may have just found me you may not have. You may have found the little card and followed this address. You may have accidently misgendered me. This is to give you a little helping of who I am. This is to the wonderful guys, gals and non-binary folks who keep me caffeinated but it’s also a primer for anyone who wonders into this island on the net.
Pull up a chair because it’s cold out side and the fire is warm and the tea is hot. This is the story of me, myself and I. But lets get to the short version for the folks not interested in the long haul. I’m a transgender woman… If you were wondering, or you’re thinking “Duh, but damn girl you don’t pass”. This is a little thought snack about me. Sit back and I hope you enjoy the read.
Name: Victoria
Age: 21 > Me < 50
Gender: Transgender Woman (HRT approaching 2 years)
Orientation: Pansexual (I like personality more than bits)
Relationship Status: Married
Work: Data Pimp (I work with data and computers but my background is liberal arts.)
Start of Transition: Late 2017(Pre HRT) 2019 (Post HRT)
Notable Accomplishments: I run a support group online for Transcendence International, I work with a group down in Houston on Trans rights, Working on my mental health CPR certification, and I’m a Amateur hacker.
Pronouns: She/Her
Children: 2 (boys, before you ask they call me dad, I let them decide)
Favorite Game: Roleplaying games, Shadowrun and Cyberpunk
Favorite Coffee: Tanzanian Peaberry, Sumatra
Favorite Tea: PG Tips, Typhoo, Assam Black with Mint
Favorite Movie: Too Wong Foo or Dune hard choice….. :>)
Favorite Food: Indian first, Thai Second (Curry is my addiction!)
The story of Victoria, Who am I and what the hell and I doing here?
“A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct” — Frank Herbert Dune c.1965
Quite an experience to live in fear, isn’t it? That’s what it is to be a slave. -Roy Batty Blade Runne r c.1982
I’m betting you clocked me that’s why you’re here. :>)
That’s what it felt like when I awakened and realized I couldn’t hide anymore. To paraphrase Sarah McBride, “I was homesick for a body I didn’t have. To be a person I was not”. I was by no means a “slave” at least not in a conventional sense but fear fear was my captor and prison. I once heard on NPR’s Hidden Brain that “Shame is the fear of a loss of connection”. You never quite feel at home always moving trying to change things and find yourself. You don’t feel like your birth gender fits, you’ve known most your life but you never thought you could pull it off. You believed you were too fat, too ugly or too frumpy to transition. You wanted to be something else, sometimes it was so bad it hurt. You feel shame for trying. That’s what it feels to be transgender, at least for me.
Every day you (by “you” I mean “me”) just act and are who you feel you have to be not who you feel you are. You push it down. Deep down but you know deep down when you look in the mirror someone else is looking at you in the mirror. It’s a strange sensation not being able to look yourself in the mirror. You just know that transition is going to be painful and costly so you hide. I ate too much and drank too much (compared to now). You generally just stop caring about your body for the most part. If you don’t care for yourself why does it matter. Then something happens there’s a spark. That feeling you know it and you don’t hide it. It’s like that song Closer to Fine by the Indigo girls. Your realize the answer is inside of you not outside of you. It’s been there whispering in your ear. That’s when you awaken. You stop fearing what will happen and make it happen.
I never was like children of my birth sex. My heart was far too open. I knew in kindergarten when I wanted to be the Pink Bugaloo from Sid and Marty Kroft’s Bugaloo’s and loved the pink stuff. I didn’t play with dolls but found the girls in my comics far more interesting than the boys. I never liked the flashy pictures always the calmer ones from Magik, Rogue, Shadowcat, Rachael Summers, to Storm. I never liked super traditional male pastimes. I just never knew how to get into them. I loved makeup so I learned to paint. I loved day dream of fairies, dragons, and unicorns so I played Dungeons and Dragons. Trans folks are good at adapting and hiding. We find something to make the pain go away. Find ways to hide and tell ourselves that the guise is safer than the truth. Truth is terrifying and fraught with so much guilt and pain.
I could never tell anyone how I felt because I never really could communicate how I felt for fear of being ridiculed. It was a secret I held till high school and college. Always thinking I was broken and that there was something deeply wrong with me. Having to hide my sexuality and my gender from those most intimate and closest with me. Knowing that there was something inside me screaming to get out, fearful once out, “Then what?”
It was a constant search for a binary. Not knowing if some how I was gay straight, bi or what. Thinking my personality came from that not knowing what the truth was and feeding on negative stereotypes. I kind of knew if I came out to my family I would loose family members. Never did I think it would be my mom. That was the most painful part of this transition. Luckily I have a wonderful set of therapists. (Marriage and gender)
You may not see a genetic woman on the outside. I am on hormone therapy and I’m working madly to make money for surgery. I write, I read, I enjoy gaming with friends and doing geeky things. I enjoy hacking most of all. There’ something about doing something your not suppose to and then fixing it I find appealing. I run a support group online for trans folks for Transcendence International. I’m on the planning board for the North Texas Transgender Summit and I’m a member of the Dallas Hackers Association. I’m eclectic to say the least.
I don’t know why but misgendering can be very painful when you’re doing everything to be a person you are inside. It’s a hard road, it’s a lethal road with many pitfalls and sinkholes. When I came out I had an acquaintance friend who was trans. (A good friend of my best man.) I tried to get advice from her. She never returned my calls. At that time that was painful so I just had to go at things on my own. So I did and I haven’t stopped. The difference is I’m trying to help my sisters in the community because this can be a very lonely and painful road.
Admitting who you are to yourself and the world is letting the most sacred and secret out and for the world to see. Some days I am like a brick wall where nothing can touch me other days I’m like a semi permeable membrane. Changing your gender is hard work. I went through three months of voice therapy followed by months of practice. I’m still not there. My voice is getting better but that’s usually what gets me clocked or misgendered. Allot of trans women don’t sound like CIS women. (CIS is Latin for on the site of or in this use women at birth.) I’m still working on my voice everyday it’s an on going process and not easy when you have to change.
The awakening is the hardest. It often comes down to an event or breakdown. Children who come out as trans often know when they are very young. The feeling is unmistakable. Many of us have a voice but it’s muffled by fear. I was able to muffle the fear and listen and I’m hear today. It’s not been easy I’ve lost family members, friends, and others are scared.
Five days a week I get up and walk five miles. I wear what’s clean because it’s clean. It doesn’t always look the most feminine. I make due with what I have, cute work out clothes aren’t always the most appealing or high on the to-buy list.
So here you are reading the keystrokes of of my thoughts. Who am I is a hard question. I don’t fully know who I am really. I love my children, partner and who I have become. I am a cook, a lover, a social worker, a hacker, a data engineer, a writer, a dreamer, an amateur lock pick, and explorer, an artist, a cook, a parent, a consoler of scraped knees. I know I’m happy, I love myself for the first time in my life and I don’t feel empty. I’ve done more in four years than I did in twenty. Maybe who I am isn’t I think I am but what I do. How I care of my sisters, how I hold my partner, and how I care for my children. How I treat others. That’s who I am.
So if your reading this and you accidently misgendered me I’m not hurt or angry I wrote this so that hopefully you understand. I hope your world might be opened a bit so you can see transgender folk, trans women, men, non binary, a gender, and fluid in a new light. Most of the time we try but we’re limited by biology, finances, or will. I work at this every day.
Understand when there's an awkward looking guy or gal, there’s a story, pain, happiness, and heart there. Sometimes making a little glimmer in their day might be as simple as asking what their pronouns are.
Titles are meaningless. Love is all that matters.
This is a poem I share with new gals who start HRT. The truth is it is a hard slow process tempered by time and patience. Patience when your being misgendered is painful.
Litany of Change
-by Victoria Strongheart ©2020
Who I am today is not who I will be tomorrow
I am a body in motion
I am grey
I stand before the dark and the light
I am my true self becoming me
My pain defines the trueness of me
My beauty is my own and not yours to decide
I am trans
Hugs,
Vicky
PS. For my Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual sisters and brothers
Stones on the Shore — By Victoria Strong Heart
©2020
I am a pebble, I sit on the shore, innumerable to count,
Easy to see, I sometimes stand out.
I sparkle because of my color and Hugh,
Throw us in the sea, and my brother’s sisters and others will be back soon.
and we will wash upon the shores. Our colors symbolic of Life, Healing, Light, nature, art
We aren’t so different, yet we are far apart.
